Anger: An Islamic psychological perspective

Anger is one of those things which has been a challenge for me over the years. In my teen years I would bottle up my complaints over a period of time and then let loose once every couple of years. And of course whoever was on the receiving end of my outburst would feel that he had been dealt with unfairly.

Over the past few years I have learnt from experience and seen that the best way to avoid these outbursts is to be blunt and honest whenever I have some complaint taking the best of means to express myself. Not only does that help me, it also helps those whom I have complaints with. Part of the challenge is also to be able to accept feedback, when your criticism results in criticism of yourself. The following are some wise words which I try to keep in mind :

The one who correctly praises me is my friend. The one who correctly criticizes me is my teacher. The one who flatters me is my enemy.

An article in Psychology Today also indicates that bottling up is not a healthy way to deal with your anger. If you have problems expressing your anger Here are some of the tips it offers:

The key to expressing anger healthfully is to do it assertively; not aggressively or passively.

The first step in changing your anger style is to express it in the opposite way from what you normally do and to start out small. So if you donÂ’t like confronting people, try expressing how you feel to rude strangers for a week. Then work up to a co-worker and/or your spouse.

And the same article ends with a wise quote:

Anger is a normal and healthy emotion, affirms Engel. ItÂ’s how we deal with it that turns it into a negative.

Another article states that control is the key when it comes to anger and it gives the following tips to help control yourself. I like the way how it starts with the "Looking Glass"

Looking Glass: Self-awareness will improve clarity and help you see yourself. How do you really feel when a friend doesn't call you back? Instead of losing your cool or stuffing your feelings, take a look at the situation. You may find that it's not about you at all.

Self-Regulation: Do you think and speak negative thoughts? Then cut it out! Negative inner dialogue will get you nowhere. Try distracting yourself with positive thoughts about loved ones, a vacation spot or an enjoyable activity. Also, relaxation exercises such as deep breathing or meditating can help.

Communicate: Open up and put your ideas on the table. Chances are others will find what you have to say engaging. In addition to speaking up more, listen to others as well. This will help you exchange ideas and points of view.

Be Proactive:Find and implement reasonable problem-solving solutions rather than sitting idly and stewing over a bad day. Define your problem, remember your goals and think about how to really get there. If you are always late for work, for example, then get up 10 minutes earlier.

The Art of Persuasion:People who rise to high places don't crack under pressure, they coolly think about the situation at hand. And they employ skills that work such as persuasiveness, conflict management and taking a leadership position.

Saying No: No one wants to be labeled a pushover, nor do they want to be confrontational. But how do you assert your needs without 1) collapsing into a pile of mush or 2) stepping on everyone's toes? There are ways to assert yourself in situations that don't suit you. You can say no by keeping it simple and including an explicit "no."

Empathize with Others: Everyone has a bad day. So be empathetic. This may help you reframe a person's bad behavior. And in the end, it's not about you.

So what is it that you can do to stop anger from eroding your life? This article offers some viable internal thoughts that should go through your mind.

• First, of course, is to identify anger and to acknowledge it. Anger is one of those emotions whose expression is sometimes subject to taboos, so people can grow up unable to recognize it. They feel its physical discomfort but don't know how to label it. Build a lexicon for your internal states. Feelings are fluid. You need to stop and capture them in a word, or else you lose them and don't know you have them.
• View your anger as a signal. It is not something to be escaped. It is not something to be suppressed. It is something to be accepted as a sign that some deeper threat has occurred that needs your attention.
• Make yourself aware of the purpose your anger serves. Things that have a positive purpose seek betterment, growth, love, enhancement and fulfillment. Things that have a negative purpose are motivated by a sense of deficiency. Your boss yells at you, and you feel diminished. The anger you express towards others is driven by the blow you've just received. In order to identify your motivation, you need to look within.
• Tune into the inner dialogue you customarily have with yourself. If your anger is deficiency-motivated (driven by a desire to rectify a wrong you believe was done to you), work on acceptance. Give up your obsession about the wrong. Uproot mistaken beliefs that underlie your response. Very often anger is the result of beliefs that lead you to place unreasonable demands on circumstances, such as the belief that life must be fair. The belief that you are entitled to fairness results from the mistaken idea that you are special.

Ofcourse the best example to deal with anger is the Prophetic example. Rumi quotes Jesus in this short quote:

A sober-minded man said to Jesus,

"What in this existence is hardest to bear?"

"O dear soul," he replied, "the hardest is God's anger,

from which Hell is trembling as we are."

"And what is the protection against God's anger?"

Said Jesus, "To abandon your own anger at once."

Moreover Islam being the complete way of life that is offer a lot of resources and ways to deal with your anger. Some of these ways are mentioned here. ( As is obvious there is common ground with what Psychological research suggests). There are Quranic ayahs which mention control:

And vie with one another for forgiveness from your Lord, and for a Paradise as wide as are the heavens and the earth, prepared for those fear Allah (al-muttaqin) ; Those who spend (of that which Allah has given them) in ease and in adversity, those who control their wrath, and are forgiving toward mankind; and Allah loves the good. And those who, when they do an evil deep or wrong themselves, remember Allah and implore forgiveness for their sins. And who forgives sins but Allah?...” (Qur’an, 3: 133-135)

The following Hadiths ( Prophetic Traditions) also warn of the danger of anger:

• `Â’isha (Allah be pleased with her) reports that, “The Prophet entered while she was angry. So he rubbed the tip of my nose and said, ‘My little Â’isha. Say, ‘O Allah, forgive my sin, remove the anger in my heart, and protect me from Satan.Â’ (AllahummaÂ’ Ghfirli dhanbi, wa adhhib ghaydha qalbi, wa aajirni min ash-shaytan)” [Ibn al-Sunni, as mentioned in BarkawiÂ’s Tariqa al-Muhammadiyya]
• The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said, “If you get angry, stay silent.” [Ahmad]
• The Prophet (Allah bless him & give him peace) is reported to have said, “If you get angry while standing, sit downÂ…. If you get angry while sitting, lie down.The wisdom in this is that it prevents one from doing that which oneÂ’s anger would have made one do in that posture.
• The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said, The strong one is not one who can out-wrestle others. Rather, the strong one is one who can restrain themselves when angry. [Bukhari& Muslim]

Another good advice from the teachers on Sunnipath is:

If you have harmed any person in result of anger and hatred, you should apologize. Always make efforts on adopting the beautiful character of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him); forgive and forget. Do you see the results of such a character? Those who were once enemies, changed to those who sacrificed their life for the Prophet (sal Allahu alaihi wassallam). It's a matter of patience and then results. Insha Allah.'

Inshah allah we learn to control ourselves and find the best means to let out our anger and frustrations. Moreover I pray that we only do it with the intention and goal of pleasing Allah. Ameen.