An extract from the book Proximity’s Ladder by Qadi Abu Bakr ibn al-‘Arabi
Be aware that the child is a sacred trust placed in the hands of his parents. His pure heart is a priceless innocent soul that is devoid of impressions and images; however, it has the potential to be inscripted upon and to incline towards whatever takes its fancy. Therefore, if he grows accustomed to good and acquires knowledge of what is right, growing up in this manner, then he will be felicitous in this world and the next and his parents, teachers and caregivers will share in the reward. However, if evil is inculcated in him and he becomes neglectful, like an animal, then he will be wretched and damned and the sin is upon the neck of his caregiver and guardian. Indeed, God, exalted be He, has said, “ Protect yourselves and your family from a fire.” (66:6). And just as the father shields him from the fire of this world then it is obligatory that he protects him from the fire of the other world, with the latter actually being of greater importance.
Protection constitutes disciplining, cultivating as well as teaching him the excellencies of moral character. He should be protected from evil companions, never allowed to become accustomed to luxuries, neither should he have evoked in him the love of finery nor the means of comfort such that he squanders his entire life in pursuit of them, thereby earning eternal damnation.
However, it is imperative that one pays particular attention to him from birth, only
entrusting a pious religious woman, who eats what is lawful, with his custody or with his nursing, as milk that is the product of the unlawful is bereft of divine blessings. Therefore, whenever a child is nourished by it during this critical growth period it is kneaded into his essential nature such that he will naturally incline towards vile things.
When the imaginative period of discernment first appears then one should ensure that a careful eye is cast over him. This occurs when the signs of modesty first appear in him. So, if he is bashful and shy and abandons certain actions then that is indeed due to the emanation of the light of the intellect upon him such that he perceives some things as repulsive and different to others and thereby exercises modesty in the face of some things as opposed to others. This is guidance for him and a gift from God, indicating good moral character, a pure heart and that he will possess a wholesome mind when he attains puberty. Thus, a bashful child should never be held responsible; rather his modesty and discernment should be used to assist his moral development.
As soon as gluttony is noticed in him then he should be taught not to eat quickly, to chew his food well, to not eat continuously and to neither soil his hand or his clothes. He should be fed plain bread regularly as not to become accustomed to eating a condiment alongside it. Eating great amounts should be reviled in front of him by comparing one who does that to animals and a child that eats a lot should be rebuked in front of him whilst a well-mannered child who eats frugally should be praised in his presence.
He should be made to love preferring others when eating and to have little regard for it as well as being satisfied with course food regardless of what type of food it is. Preference of white clothes as opposed to coloured ones or silk should be inculcated in him. And it should be often repeated to him that they are peculiar to women or effeminate men and whenever one sees a child wearing coloured or silk garments then it should be declared loathsome and rebuked (in his presence).
It is then imperative for him to be registered in school so as to occupy himself with the
learning of the Qur’an, the words of prophets, the stories of the righteous and good folk
and what is similar to it. He should be prevented from listening to sensual poetry and
made to stay well clear of people of literature who erroneously claim that it is considered essential for the attainment of an elegant and compassionate disposition, as it will indeed sow corruption in the hearts of children.
Whenever a child displays excellent character or praiseworthy acts then it is imperative
that he is honoured, praised in public and rewarded in a manner that is pleasing to him. If he sometimes behaves in an unbefitting manner then it should be ignored and never revealed, nor should we attempt to disclose it or convey that it is conceivable that people could shun the like of him. This is especially the case if the child hides it and goes to lengths to conceal it as its disclosure could indeed inculcate insolence in him such that he consequently would not care whether he was caught or not. However, if he persists then he should be punished, privately, and be made to understand the importance of the matter at hand. It should be said to him, ‘if this gets out then you will be humiliated, publicly!’ However, be careful not to regularly scorn him as it could cause him to ignore censure and to engage in foul acts and to make words ineffective.
The father must ensure that the awe-inspiring effect of speech is preserved by only
scolding him occasionally. Mothers should strike fear into the child through the threat of
the father’s involvement and by preventing him from committing foul acts. Sleeping
during the daytime should be prohibited as it bequeaths laziness. One should, however, never bar them from sleeping anytime during the night but should deny them of a comfortable mattress in order to harden their limbs and to prevent obesity such that he is impatient in the midst of comfort, rather he should be habituated upon roughness in beds, clothes and food.
It is incumbent that he is prohibited from doing things in secret especially when he knows it is wrong, as if he is left alone then he will become accustomed to foulness. Likewise, on certain days, he should be given a routine of walking, exercise and sport so that he does not become bone idle. It should be made habitual in him during which he exposes the extremities of his body, doesn’t walk fast or let his hands hang loose, but keeps them close to his chest.
He should be prevented from boasting to his friends about anything that his parents own or about his food, clothes or other amenities. He should be inculcated with humility, generosity to everyone he interacts with and gentleness when speaking to them. He should be prevented from initially accepting anything from other children as it is unbefitting of a modest child, moreover, he should be told that loftiness is in giving, not taking and that taking is an iniquity even if he is poor. He should know that taking and greed are humiliating and disgraceful and they are habitual in dogs, look at how they wag their tails in anticipation of a morsel of food.
In general, it is reprehensible for a child to love or covet money. They should be warned
against it more important than warning them about snakes and scorpions, as the danger of child loving and desiring money is more severe than the danger of deadly poison, this stands true for adults also. Likewise he should become accustomed to avoid spitting in gatherings and to not blow his nose in the presence of others nor to cross his legs. He shouldn’t strike his chin with his palm, nor turn his back towards anyone. Neither should he touch his head with his forearm, as it is a sign of laziness. He should be taught how to sit and prevented from speaking too much, clarifying to him that it is a sign of impudence and a trait of the children of sordid folk.
Heads turned very fast. Some asked me whether I’d lost my mind. Others simply asked me what I meant.
