Marriage: The middle way!

Some of friends are getting married left right and centre. While I am tempted to follow suit quickly, sometimes I sit back and relax and contemplate about marriage.

That is when I freak out!!!!!


It was about 2 weeks ago that me and my friends ended up on Gerard Street at Chandanee Chowk restaurant ( yeah I know very funny name for a restaurant). The place was full of families and we were the only single people in the place. Not only were we the only single
people in the place we were also the only ones smiling!!! Really it was very depressing to see the families around us who were mostly frowning and not talking to each other. Needless to say the families were all South Asian. That's when my friend made the following point( ( BTW he is getting married in December!!!) :

He said that since a lot of the people we were looking at were married in our "Root or home countries"it is not outrageous to assume that these were arranged marriages. Arranged marriage lots of times back home means that you know almost nothing about the person you are getting married to till the wedding day. Of course by then it is too late to call it off . While a lot of these weddings work out okay in the end or appear to do so anyways, it is not always because the husband and wife fall in love with each other after some time together. Sometimes it is the common interest of raising kids which keeps the marriage together ( hence the big pressure from extended family to have kids right away). So outside of the kids, there isn't much that brings the couple together and that can lead to a stressful marriage or a marriage which is only there for the sake of marriage.

And I kind of agree with my friend. A lot of marriages back home stay together because of the pressure of the extended family and the common interest of raising the kids. A low divorce rate does not mean that marriages always work out better. In fact in a lot of cases the societies back home do not give the individuals involved the option of Divorce.

And yet there is the other extreme where the couples know each other so well or think they know each other so well that they think nothing can go wrong after they get married. However they find out soon after marriage that what they were looking at before marriage was merely one side of the person in question. SO in the end it could almost be as bad as the arranged marriage described in the previous paragraphs.

I don't think it is feasible to go totally arranged and expect and hope things to work out in a few years. Neither is it realistic to think you can know everything about your spouse before marriage. So what do you do then?


I think the solution is the middle way. SO where you take the good out of the arranged marriage system and combine it with a relevant halal way getting to know the othe rperson.

I know that parents put in a lot of good research that goes into finding the right girl for their kids back home and sometimes here. Talking to a colleague of mine ( who had a love marriage and got divorced), I know that family background, set up, etc all do have an impact on how compatible the marriage is. Its not just the individuals. Yet arranged marriages the South Asian style do tend to overlook the individuals. That's where there should be the get to know each other aspect with the most halal of means should step in. It does not have to be an extended list of questions or an an extended period of time together.

I have some friends in the process of marriage and my advice to them was/is that its not only what your potential spouse gives as an answer to your questions, its also how they say what they say. As in their general approach.

Moreover, you have to have "deen" or relgiousity as the top criteria. As Ustadha Umm Salah rightly points out in her answer on Sunnipath:

"The Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, gave us certain criteria to use when selecting a spouse. The first and foremost is religion. In a rigorously authenticated hadith, the Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, said, "A woman is married for her wealth, her reputation, her beauty or her religion. Choose the religious one or you may be ruined." Scholars explain that this hadith also applies equally to choosing a husband.

Our first choice may be to go with our feelings. However, it is important to note that the fires of passion can be quickly extinguished, particularly when the novelty of the spouse wears off and the realities of married life set in.

After making istikhara, it is important to have some serious conversations with this brother. Obviously, the conversations must be chaperoned, so why not choose someone with experience in marriage counseling? Allah willing, this person can help you identify areas of potential conflict and suggest useful strategies for dealing with these issues.

Make no mistake. Every marriage has some degree of conflict, even when the spouses appear to be completely compatible. What's important is how the spouses react to each other during the conflict.

Are these issues so fundamental in nature that they could drive you apart? That is something you and the brother will have to determine. It is difficult, if not impossible, to find someone who has completely matching views. On the other hand, such differences, if strong enough, can be a source of constant bickering."

Once you think the above factors in addition to approach are compatible and you have some common things amongst yourself, you are good to go!!! Renew your intentions, make istikahara and say Bismillah!!

----Totally random but I love it how Apache Indian puts his desired spouse in words:

Me wan gal fe me don rani
Me wan gal dress up in a sari
Me wan gal say soorni logthi
Me wan gal sweet like jelebee
Me wan gal from jullunder city
Me wan gal say a soorni curi
Me wan gal mon to look after me
Me wan gal to mek me roti

Last and "most", Shaykh Faraz rightly points out in this article that we need to be prepared for marriage. Not just knowing the fiqh is enough, there are also other psycological aspects that might arise and you may be faced with that you should be ready for:

"People have to be made aware of the (often many) resources available in the wider society on marriage. Often, Muslims are wary of going outside the community for counseling (and yet fail to find capable counseling within the community). We need develop lists of reliable counseling services—services that uphold the core marital values Muslims hold dear (and which they fear for when seeking outside counseling). Likewise, there is a lot of good literature on marriage that those marrying and married should seriously consider reading.

As Dr. Ibrahim Kreps and other leading Muslim counselors concur, one of the very best books on marriage is John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. This or similar books give practical guidance on improving marriage relationships in our times.

With this, as Muslims we have to look at the radiant example of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) himself. He reminded us that, “The best of you are those best to their spouses, and I am the best of you to their spouse” (Tirmidhi, on the authority of ‘A’isha, God be pleased with her)). We should look regularly and with reflection at the life and example of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him), as these give us beautiful examples and clear principles on how to have a successful marriage built on the Qur’anic paradigm of love and mercy, and of striving to live together with a mutual commitment to excellence in dealings."

Make dua for yourself and myself !!!!